SAT 写作修改之开头段（一）

2010-01-11 00:00:00来源：苏州新东方学校

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开头段要素回顾

　　1 回答问题

　　2 解释

　　3 结构提示

　　话题一：Does fame bring happiness, or are people who are not famous more likely to be happy?

　　学生文章

　　1）In my opinion, though the joy of life depends entirely on personal view to the world, fame are easier to bring happiness than ordinary people.

　　问题：

　　1 .这个句子的“虽然但是”之间的逻辑有问题。

　　2 .fame不可数，比较对象有问题。

　　修改：From my point of view, it is easier for the wealthy to obtain happiness than ordinary people.

2）Due to fame people can earn enough money to do whatever they would like to do. However, ordinary person may be worried about starvation and medical expense. I will take my friend for an example.

　　问题：

　　1. whatever 太绝对。

　　2. however, 这个词表示但是，主要用作插入语。表示但是还可以用By contrast, on the contrary。

　　3. 举例子的词组单调了，a good case in point is that…; A typical/perfect/convincing/persuasive example can be found in …; to illustrate 等等都可以表示要举例子。

　　修改：体现对比（选择类）

　　Fame could render a person more able to earn money so as to do things that he really prefers. By contrast, an ordinary man may have to struggle with various difficulties resulting from poverty, which discourages him from doing things that could really improve his sense of happiness.

　　话题二：Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame and power?

　　这是一个比较难的题目，良心还是钱？写这个题目大部分同学的问题就是比较空。

　　给大家一些思路：做新东方的老师也面对良心和钱的对抗。是为了赚钱多讲段子，还是时刻谨记师德好好讲干货。我觉得赚钱的喜悦时短暂的，讲好知识遵循师德做事的快乐才是长久的。

　　学生文章

　　1）In my opinion, conscience is a more powerful motivator than money, fame or money, as conscience is a guiding star hiding deeply inside our mind and a rule set by ourselves leading us to a place where we should be.

　　分析：其实写的不错了，很有意境美，但是意思还可以更明确。

　　修改：

　　1. I maintain that conscience does have a more powerful motivation compared with money and fame.
　　

2. Admittedly, people who work for wealth and reputation may have a greater chance of experiencing advantages when they start out. However, it is what one does according to one’s conscience that determines long-term life satisfaction.
　

　 3. The example of a teacher in Beijing New Oriental School serves as a typical example.

　　2）As far as I am concerned, conscience does have more powerful motivation. It is considered as a standard of reality and can easily be shown（太绝对）. I always keep my conscience in mind so that I never （有点执拗的可爱）cheat in the tests. I want to get higher goals, but I cannot leave my conscience behind.

　　分析：很可爱的同学，她是个很有良心的人，尽管想拿高分。不管从说理角度说个人因素太强了点，会显得有些幼稚。

　　修改：Conscience serves as a morality standard in almost every student’s heart.

　　To be more specific, if you comply with the rule of exam, you may feel clear and comfortable. But when you violate it, your guilt might haunt you forever despite the initial happiness brought by cheating.

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