名师对SAT考试9分作文分段点评第一篇（2）

2015-05-21 19:59:26来源：网络

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　　新东方在线为大家整理了名师对SAT考试9分作文分段点评第一篇的相关内容，供考生们参考，以下是详细内容。

　　第二段

　　(3)People from another place are happier than the local ones proved by Geng Han’s hard work.

　　这是一个比较失败的topic sentence, 作者其实是有这个意识要概括一下下文的，但是意思写的不准确，“people from another place”是“来自其他地方的人”，但是我们题目不是在说“去到其他地方的人”吗?这个topic sentence可以写成“韩庚离开家乡远赴韩国，在那里找到了自己成功的途径，因为实现梦想而无比快乐和幸福。”

　　(4) Geng Han came from a village in Shan Dong Province China. (5)His family was very poor, and he needed to work two jobs to support his family since very young.

　　语法错误1：“work two jobs”是比较不地道的表达。

　　语法错误2：“since”是完成时代的标志，但是前面使用的是”needed to” 的过去时态。

　　另外这(4)和(5)完全可以合并成一个句子，使得语言结构更紧凑， “From a poor family of a village in Shandong Province China, Geng Han needed to take two jobs so that his family was supported.

　　(6)Geng loves dancing, devoting lots of time practicing. His proformance attached an entertainment manager from Korea in a dancing competition. (7)The manager asked whether Geng wanted to sign the paper with him so that Geng would be a real star, accomplishing his dream and become happier than local people. (8)Geng Han relisezed that once he signed the contract, and he needed to move away from his community to another new. (9)Wanting to be happier than now, Geng signed the paper.

　　(6)到(9) 是在说韩庚被韩国经纪人挑中，以及整个签合同的心理活动。其实完全没有必要写这么详细和复杂，因为这应该不是整个例子的重点。

　　出现了2处拼写错误：proformance和relisezed.

　　内容方面，第(7)句“经纪人问韩庚要不要为了成为真正明星，实现梦想而且比当地人更快乐而签合同。”这个显得很刻意，因为当时经纪人不太可能问他“要不要为了比当地人更快乐而签合同。”这个比当地人更快乐应该是作者自己分析出来，而不是直接生硬的往例子的情节中生搬硬套。

　　第(9)句，“为了比现在更快乐，韩庚签署了合同。” 为什么签署了合同就能更快乐呢?没有解释清楚，逻辑不顺畅。

　　(10)After he came to Korea, spending ten hours a day in the room, practicing his dance moves, Geng worked so hard that he broke his arm, but did not know the fact until a week later. (11)During the practice time, Geng said that he was tired, but happier than before because he knew he was fighting for his future.

　　第(10)句又出现了同一个句子好几套结构的情况，“After he…., spending…., practicing….., Geng……, but ……”这样的句子结构很臃肿，建议拆分成2个或者3个句子。

　　第(11)句韩庚说的这句话很没有道理，“因为他知道自己在为未来而奋斗，所以很快乐。” 这个和他来到韩国有什么关系呢?他在家乡也可以为梦想而奋斗啊，这里是不是要突出一下韩国提供了家乡不具备的一些外界条件呢?

　　(12)After two years of hard works, Geng came to the public as one member of Super Juniors, publishing their first album “V”. (13)Geng became a real star and a dance. (14)Many people in Korea admired Geng Han, and said that even though he came from another place, he was happier than local people.

　　(12)句到(14)句是在说明韩庚取得的成就，最后一句又很生硬的扯到了很多韩国人都说“虽然他来自另一个地方，但是比当地人更快乐。” 暂且不说”local people”引起的歧义，“是韩国当地人还是中国当地人”，单看逻辑就讲不通的，那些人不太可能说这样的话，应该是作者自己分析出来才好。

　　(15)If Geng had not move to Korea, there would never had been the great group. (16)Thus, people in the entertainment should believe in themselves, continue making awesome music.

　　(15)和(16)两句话明显跑题了，我们是在讨论离开家乡能否更快乐更幸福的话题，这段的结尾却落脚到了“韩庚去了韩国成功了，所以其他娱乐圈的人应该相信自己，做出更好的音乐。”和离开家乡完全没有关系啊。

　　这一段整体的展开是不够切题的，出现了几处比较明显的内容逻辑问题，也就是用common sense讲不通的地方。根据题目，这个例子的展开套路可以是：

　　Step 1: he was unhappy in his community because….

　　Step 2: he moved to another community for the sake of….

　　Step 3: In the new community, he devoted his efforts in….

　　Step 4: Finally, he gained happiness by achieving ….which he would never achieve in the original community

　　根据这样的逻辑套路，韩庚的例子应该改写为：

　　1. 在家乡为生活压力所累，没有资源没有机会实现自己当舞者的梦想，不快乐不幸福

　　2. 韩国经纪人抛出橄榄枝，考虑到韩国有更多的机会和演绎资源，决定离开家乡去韩国发展

　　3. 利用韩国的各种训练条件，拼命训练，不顾身体受伤的状况

　　4. 最终，成就了自己的梦想，成为家喻户晓的明星，快乐了幸福了

　　以上就是新东方在线为大家总结的名师对SAT考试9分作文分段点评第一篇的相关内容，希望对大家有所帮助，最后预祝大家在SAT考试中取得优异的成绩!