SAT写作低分作文实例修改

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　　Topic: Teaching something to another person can help you　to learn or master a subject or process?

　　Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and assignment below.

　　“If you would thoroughly know anything, teach it to others. One who ceases to learn cannot adequately teach.”- Tryon Edwards, Dictionary of Thoughts

　　Assignment: Do you think that teaching something to another person can help you to learn or master a subject or process? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experiences, or observations.

　　习作修改　学生习作(第一段)

　　Tryon Edwards took a firm stand, saying that “if you would thoroughly know anything, teach it to others. One who ceases to learn cannot adequately teach.” It means that teaching something to another people can help people learn a subject well. To me, I definitely believe it is true[1]--- teaching can make the teacher master a process better---because I have experienced and read such things in my daily life.

　　语言修改

　　Tryon Edwards took a firm stand, saying that “if you would thoroughly know anything, teach it to others. One who ceases to learn cannot adequately teach.” This means that teaching something to another person can help you to learn a subject well. To me, I definitely believe it is true---teaching can make the teacher master a process better--- because I have experienced and read such things in my daily life.

　　本段评点

　　这一段话虽然立刻表明了作者自己的立场，但是内容不饱满，大多叙述是重复和多余的。比如，It means 这一句完全是多余的。Tryon Edwards说的话本来很明白，浅显，不用再解释一遍。或者，可以说自己的那句解释，但是不用引用Tryon Edwards的那句话。

　　学生习作(第二段)

　　At the age of fifteen, I was a student of senior one[2]. Because I always got high scores in mathematics, physics and English, my class teacher arranged a student who did not get high scores in mathematics, physics and English and she wanted me to help the student improve her grades. After class, she often asked me some questions. I explained them patiently to her. However, when I taught her the lessons, I surprisingly found that I, myself, also had some obscure ideas of some points. In order to make both my deskmate and me clearly, I reviewed my book, went to the teachers’ office to ask my teacher and put the question to my classmates.[3] Thus, I comprehensively mastered the knowledge and managed to tell it to my deskmate. During my teaching days, not only my deskmate but also I increased the test scores.

　　语言修改

　　At the age of fifteen, I was a senior middle school student. Because I always scored [4]high in mathematics, physics and English, my teacher arranged for me to help a student who did not score so high in these classes. After class, she often asked me some questions. I explained them patiently to her. However, when I taught her the lessons I was surprised to find out that some ideas were obscure to me as well.[5] In order to clearly understand the points in question for myself and my classmate, I reviewed the text and consulted my teacher. Thus, I was able to master the knowledge and teach it to my classmate. While tutoring[6], both my classmate and I were able to increase our test scores.

　　本段评点

　　这一段举了自己帮助后进同学的例子，叙述比较清楚。不过句式比较单调，例如以I做主语的句子比较多。另外，有些意思的表述不够准确、地道。

　　学生习作(第三段)

　　“Teaching and learning promote each other” is a famous saying by Confucius, the greatest educationist and philosophy in China. The proverb demonstrates that teaching helps others master a subject, as well as make the teacher learn a process. Here is an instance. In Chunqiu Dynasty, Confucius had numerous students. When he was teaching, his students always raised questions.[7] These questions make Confucius to rethink them thoroughly. After he was able to consider them utterly, he told his students how to think of the problems. Therefore, Confucius learnt a lot and wrote it down in his book.

　　语言修改

　　“Teaching and learning promote each other” is a famous saying by Confucius, the greatest educator and philosopher in China. This proverb demonstrates that teaching not only helps others master a subject but benefit the teacher himself. For instance, during the Spring and Autumn[8] period, Confucius had numerous students. While teaching, his students raised many questions which made Confucius rethink them carefully. After he was able to consider them utterly, he told his students how to think of the problems. Confucius probably benefited a lot from these questions and wrote down his thoughts in his book.

　　本段评点

　　这一段举孔子的例子立意很好，但是最后一句话有逻辑问题. 孔子的学生问了很多问题，促使他再三思考。于是他就学到很多东西。以上的两句话有点逻辑问题。其实，不能从学生问了很多问题就得出结论说孔子学了很多东西。更合理的写法是：孔子的学生问了很多问题，而他本人也往往是通过回答这些问题来阐述自己的思想。也许，孔子作为老师也得益于这些问题，因为学生的问题促使他再三思考。这可能是他说出“教学相长”的原因。还有一个知识性的问题, 孔子并没有把他和学生的问答写进书里, 他的思想都是他的学生和后人记录的。

　　学生习作(第四段)

　　Generally speaking, not only can teaching educate students but also can it help teachers themselves to master a subject and a process comprehensively.

　　语言修改

　　Generally speaking, teaching not only educates students but can also help teachers to comprehensively master a subject or process.

　　本段评点

　　最后一段非常苍白无力，只是简单重复了第一段的观点。全文的亮点只是在中间两段中提供了两个较为具体的例子。最后一段只要不跑题，不多余地提出新的观点就可以。简单重复第一段完全没有必要。

　　习作总评

　　本文逻辑清晰，思路明确。文章共分四段，开头、结尾、中间两个理由段，分别举了两个例子。第一个例子是自己的经历，第二个例子是中国古代的思想家、教育家孔子。本文的开头段有些问题，题目抄了一遍，是浪费篇幅。可取之处在第一段表明了自己的立场，而且提醒了读者本文将根据自己的阅读和亲身经历来展开论证。如果最后一段再能不单纯重述，有一个点睛之笔，就会更好了。

　　值得一提的是其中第二个例子比较有特色，本文第三段上来引用的是孔子著名的教育理论：Teaching and learning promote each other，中文译为“教学相长”。这段采用的是名人名言导入法。所谓名人名言导入法就是通过引用名人名言来引出自己的观点。名人名言导入法不仅使作者想表达的意思简明扼要，而且还能起到画龙点睛的作用，使文章增加了不少趣味性和可读性。不过，SAT作文中所引用的名言，一定要贴切主题，并且不要出现知识性错误。本文所引用的名人名言就非常贴近主题。

　　[1] To me, I definitely believe it is true. 不仅有语病，也是多余的。

　　[2] 这里不应该用one，因为此处在无上文的情况下，one无法指代清楚。One用于强调或突出：I don’t want the green apple. Give me the red one. One 还可以用于指出一类中的某一事物：Mary is one of my close friends. 如果说高中的高年级的学生，可以说high school senior。

　　[3] 这句话的后半句太啰嗦，而且结构很散，可以把它们合并成一个并列结构，并用上consult这个词。

　　[4] Score还可用作动词是应该知道的用法。下面两个例句中的score都作动词。例如：A new rule requires a team to try to score within a brief time. They gave the other team a chance to score two or three points in a short period of time.

　　[5] 原文Surprisingly found that这种说法不是地道的英语，表达某人惊奇于某事可以用someone is surprised to find …或it surprises somebody to see/find/know etc.

　　[6] 这里用tutoring而不用teaching是因为这个小孩自己不是老师，所以没有教授头衔的，但是他确实在教另外一个同学，称为tutor。

　　[7] 这里的questions和下一句开头的these questions指的都是孔子弟子提出的问题，没必要分成两个句子，这样还容易造成these questions指代不清。用一个定语从句，意思既清楚又简洁，结构也紧凑。

　　[8] 不论是引用中国的还是外国的例子，最好要会拼写。这就要靠平时多写一些例子，在写例子的时候把拼写搞清楚。一个例子往往可以适应好几个题目，所以写例子是效率很高的SAT作文复习方法.

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